Dr. Kibby McMahon: 0:00

Hi guys, welcome to A Little Help for Our Friends, a podcast for people with loved ones struggling with mental health. Hey little helpers, it's Dr. Kibbe here. Before we dive into this episode, I wanted to tell you how I could help you navigate the mental health or addiction struggles of the people you love. KulaMind is the online coaching platform and community that I built to support you in the moment when you need it the most, like having hard conversations, asserting your needs, or setting boundaries. Even if you're just curious and want to chat about it, book a free call with me by going to the link in the show notes or going to coolamine.com, K-U-L-A-M-I-N-D.com and click get started. Thank you and enjoy the show. Welcome back, little helpers. Today I'm going to talk about how to survive the holidays when you have a dysfunctional family. So I just did a webinar, a presentation for a bunch of clinicians and social workers and other mental health providers about what kind of skills can they give their clients to survive chaotic families or even toxic families this holiday. And it got me thinking a lot about how hard this time always is. I mean, I don't know if you're listening to this and feeling the stress or feeling excited. Um, but us therapists, we always know there's always swells of stress and calm in clinical work. And it sometimes it feels like everyone, um, you know, your whole caseload, everyone that you're treating is going through the same thing. So it got me thinking a lot lately about how much people are struggling with having loved ones who are emotionally immature, explosive, narcissistic, and all the things. Um, and then having to make nice with them during the holidays, right? Like there's there's so much social expectation around the holidays going well. And it just makes it that much more obvious when you don't have a happy family, right? It makes that expectation even more stressful to have. Um, so this episode I'm gonna talk about why the holidays are so hard in terms of mental health and families and why, especially this year. This year is actually um the record um most stressful holiday season uh in recent years, apparently. Um so we'll talk, I'll talk about why that's the case. And then I'm gonna talk about something that I've been really um addressing more and more with my clients, which is their healing fantasy. So the hopes and dreams that we're holding on about our loved ones, especially the ones that are like toxic or dysfunctional or that you have a lot of conflict with. But a lot of people are have been asking, like, I'm learning all these skills, I know the right thing to do, I know the right thing to say, but every time I talk to them, I just explode. It still pushes my buttons. This person still pushes my buttons, and I don't really know why. And when we drill down into it, it's usually because of the healing fantasy. So I'll explain what the healing fantasy is, and then some DBT dialectical behavior therapy skills for how to actually move past the trap of the healing fantasy. Okay. So, what to do about it, and maybe some tools for you to take over these holidays to maybe make it a little bit better or more survivable. So the holidays are usually a really stressful time for people. Um, as I mentioned, social and emotional expectations are high, right? There's this cultural stereotype that we should all go home to our parents, our in-laws, and all the family gets together, and you have this particular meal or this ritual around opening presents. And there's always a picture in people's minds about what the holiday should look like. So that is a lot of pressure on yourself and the family of origin or the family you're celebrating with about what it should look like, right? Like, how do we follow traditions? Um, and I always find that when people go home to their families, if you're in a, if you come from a dysfunctional family, you might have grown up learning how to deal with it. You moved away, you found friends and a partner that supports you, you've developed into your own person, right? You've you've broken away from the dysfunction and have matured. But then when you go back to your family, it's like sometimes you go back to the same place, the same childhood home, you enter in the same dynamics as when you were at home. And it almost feels like you're reverting back, you're regressing to being like a child again. Sometimes people like it. Sometimes it's nice to go back to um parents' homes and just be treated as a kid. But if there is an open wound there, if there's childhood trauma or um unspoken grief or feelings, you are going back into there, but then you're you're going back into the the belly of the beast, so to speak, but you don't have all of the resources that you've developed as an adult to handle stress, right? You don't have the friends around, you don't have your own space, you don't have um, you know, you just are you're not you're not in your adult world. So you have to then go back to old dynamics and old versions of yourself and have all those wounds reignited, and then you don't have the coping mechanisms that that work with for you. And another thing is that grief and loneliness become way more strong during the holidays. It is one of the lonelier times. First of all, it's just cold, right? So everyone's inside, no one's hanging out. Um, and it's really clear if you are single or unpartnered or feel lonely, even in your family, um, or just feel disconnected from the people that you should feel connected to. So even though the holidays are a time for togetherness, usually people feel really alone. Um, on a previous episode, I talked about how um I looked up what would what is the most um stressful um month of the year. Um and what, you know, what what is the hardest for mental health? What month is the hardest? And I was surprised. I thought it would be December, um, but it's actually January. So that's interesting to me that we kind of white knuckle through these stressful times. Even if you don't have a dysfunctional family, it's still stressful, right? You pack up the kids, you pack up your stuff, you have to put presents in the suitcases and make it fit somehow. You have to make sure someone waters your plants, you have to go fly across the country, go to stay in someone's guest room, and then have a bunch of social events, right? So it's it's stressful under great circumstances. So the holidays like the Christmas time or Hanukkah, or you know, any any of the New Year's Eve, that concentration of holidays. It's stressful under normal circumstances when you have a happy family, but actually you white knuckle through that, you survive it, you do the travel, and then you go home, and then you're left with a pain. That's my that's my feeling of why January might be so hard, is that you actually it might be stressful, but there's still togetherness. You're still around people. There's still um expectations for where you should be and who you're gonna see. And then January, everything's quiet, everything is dark, everything is lonely. It's still winter, but there's no more Christmas lights. And that's a really hard time for our patients, if you're a therapist, because it's just like they're alone with their thoughts and their feelings that arose during the family dynamics, during the holidays. So just keeping that in mind, right? Right now it might be high, high stress, and January is the time that it feels a little, a little more lonely, a little bit more sad. I was I was really amazed to see that in January is the most globally it's the biggest time for mental health crises, ER visits, um, self-harm, and all different kinds of uh mental health emergencies. So when you're thinking about the holidays, and if you are feeling like you're dreading it, you're scared, like I'm gonna give you a few tools about how to survive it, but also keep in mind what would make you feel supported in January when you're kind of left with the sadness, disappointment, anger, like the come down from all the stress. Um studies show that actually 88 to 90 percent of adults report increased stress during the holidays. And it's especially bad this year. There was a poll from the American Psychiatric Association that found that this year people are more anxious about the upcoming holidays than the few previous years. So we're more anxious now that we're out the holidays than ever before. And why is that? Well, actually, it's really more younger adults, ages 18 to 34, are more likely to be stressed. Um, people who are older are a little bit more chill about it. So this study showed that the biggest source of stress this year is worrying about missing someone and grieving. And I was like, wow, that's really interesting. This year is a really big year of grief. Um I think it's been a very hard year for many reasons. Uh and it's interesting to think about younger adults more in their 20s having a hard time. I would love to hear. I mean, um we've done episodes recently with different kinds of parenting experts, and across the board, we're just hearing that young adults, young people are really having a hard time. If you're in your 20s, let me tell you, it sucks. It's gonna get better, but for some reason, young adults are really struggling right now. Um, there's just so much uncertainty going on, right? There's all these political changes and social changes. And I also think that the younger, like the people in their 20s had experienced a major part of their adulthood or their developing adulthood in COVID. So everyone had this experience where I still think of it as like a global trauma, right? Because like everyone just stopped. Everything just stopped, right? It was a time where everything was united in this shutdown in a way. And it was a big time of retreating. So I mean, I don't know about you guys, but I am mostly here all day in my office alone with a computer. That's how I spend most of my day. I used only a few years ago, I used to be sitting in front of people all day talking. Now I'm talking by typing. So there is just a general loneliness and isolation that our world is dealing with. But there's also a lot of deaths from COVID, and there's also a rise in estrangement. So a big part of what's going on in families that's causing so much stress is people going non-contact, no contact with a family member. Apparently, now one in four Americans are estranged from a close family member. So a quarter of us are not in contact with a close family member. That's never an easy choice. I'm not saying it's good or bad. It's just something that is growing. And there's a lot of reasons why there's a we did a previous episode about estrangement, but people are prioritizing their own mental health over their family relationships. So if you're in a really difficult family relationship, um, more people are saying, hey, you know what? What's more important is my stability and happiness. So I'm going to stop talking to this person. Um and that just is felt so much more strongly now because we're we could be in constant contact with everybody. I'm texting with people all day. Like I don't see my husband face to face except at home, but we're in contact all day. So when someone, so when you go no contact with someone and you don't even text, you don't even see them, they're they're really gone. You know, it's a really big deal. So a lot of people are grieving feeling out of contact with someone or having to see someone that you have been estranged from, like a brother that you just, you know, don't get along with, and now you're gonna see them at the family holidays. So a lot of people think, oh God, like what's gonna happen? What is that gonna be like when we both are sitting in the same room and haven't spoken in months? Um holidays were always really interesting for they were stressful for me growing up, but I was more watching my mother stress. Um, we would often go back to Hong Kong to see her family. And that was always kind of fun for me because I I I really get along with my cousins. Um, a lot of them live over there, and so it was a time that I really saw them. That was the only time I saw my cousins, is um during the Christmas and New Year. So we'd go. I know that it would be horrible jet lag, and I just mostly play with my cousins, but I feel vicarious stress through my mother. Like she really didn't get along with her parents, um, especially especially my grandmother. And she was such a big figure. She's she's past now, but she's such a big f she was such a big figure in our family. She was the matriarch. She was, you know, we all went to see her, we all respected her, we all were feared her. She was definitely like an authority figure in our family. And I would just watch my mother just the closer we got to her, the more anxious she seemed. I remember, well, I remember getting to the Hong Kong airport one time, and there was some expectation for us to go from the airport to my grandmother's house for dinner, but we were late, or it was just gonna be such a hassle. We just arrived from a 14-hour flight, and my back was hurting, and I I was really going slowly. And she, I could just see that my mom was just fully anxious thinking about this. Like she kept talking, Ma, mom wants us to go over to her house, and I don't know, okay, we have to, I have to get something. I have we have to get the baggage. And she was just in a state, and I was going slowly, and I was just like, I just want to go home and rest. And she was like, No, no, we have to go. We have okay, you can go home, but wait, wait, don't you you she expects you. And it just like, as soon as we landed in that airport, it just felt like, oh my god, like all of her old stuff, all of her old childhood baggage just came rushing back. So that's really what I remember is her stress. So when you're dealing with a a family that you don't fully get along with, you don't feel connected to, there's dysfunction, there's mental illness, there's old wounds. Sometimes what makes your button so easy to push is that healing fantasy that I talked about.

Speaker: 16:49

So what is that healing fantasy?

Dr. Kibby McMahon: 16:53

I would watch my mother do everything she could to be perfect, to meet my grandmother's expectations, like, oh my gosh, we're gonna have to go straight from the airport to her house for dinner. And my mom would make herself look nice and put together, and then she all it was also putting pressure on me to be the good kid and show up and be polite, right? So there's all of this anxiety around like we we gotta show up. And I it could be the smallest comment, it could be the smallest thing, but my grandmother would say like one thing. She would maybe say, like, oh, you oh, you guys are you know so late or you're not eating that much or something. And it would just, it would, it would just, I could see all of my mom's energy, my her nervous energy just collapse. She would get angry, she would storm out. We always had to, she always had to stay in another um hotel room because of that. Um, and so it just was like this a lot of pressure leading up, and then a huge disappointment. And I remember thinking, oh, like this happens every in Christmas, like every time you want to impress her, you want to be the good daughter, and then something happens where there's suddenly like an explosive fight among the whole family, and is that's at the point where usually me and my cousins will go out drinking and be like, oh my god, our parents, uh, which was a real bonding experience. So um it was just funny to watch this loop uh over and over again. And I grew up with watching this loop, and I didn't know what was happening, but I was watching my mom go through holding on to her healing fantasy and then being faced with a brutal reality that her healing fantasy wasn't gonna come true. So, what is a healing fantasy? So I don't really know where the term healing fantasy came from. I got it from the book um by Lindsay Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. If you have difficult parents and haven't read that, do it. It's a really easy book. It's it's quick, it's it's fantastic. Um, but they make a point, um, she makes a point in the book that when you have emotionally immature parents or a dysfunctional family member of some sort, you might have this deep wish that your relationship to them will be healed someday. Sometimes that looks like wishing that a parent will finally grow up and finally take care of you and finally see how much they've been hurting you, or how stressful this has been for you, or your pain and trauma, right? Or hey. Fantasy might be that someone gets therapy, that finally your uh sister with BPD will go to therapy, figure out all that she needs to get better and stop losing her mind the holidays, stop screaming, stop causing fights, um, or someone will finally stop drinking and get sober and take their health seriously and see how much damage they've done to their loved ones because of it. So this healing fantasy is a wish for something to get better. Where do those healing fantasies come from? Right. So, as kids, naturally, and this is something I learned from schematherapy, um, kids have very basic needs. Um, and in one model, in the schematherapy model, uh, there are five core emotional needs that are essential for healthy development. One is secure attachment, two is autonomy or competence, identity, three is freedom of expression, four is spontaneity and play, and five is realistic limits or self-control. So these are all things that in a perfect childhood, a perfect parents, that's what they would give their kids, that they're loving and a secure attachment figure for them, but they also let them be independent and develop their own identity and independence. And they allow themselves to talk about feelings and be seen in the way they feel. They're able to play and be spontaneous and be creative and just be in the moment and have realistic boundaries, right? An idea of what you can and cannot do. Boundaries are really important. Um and I actually, if one as I'm thinking about it, I actually think that the boundary piece, um, that need isn't getting as attended to as much. So I think there might be a shift back to um wanting more boundaries or wanting to set more boundaries because there's something about um a difficulty saying no or setting limits and upsetting kids. So people are like, I think parents in general families are really scared about setting boundaries. But that's an important need that kids have. They need to hear no. They need to have an adult tell them what's not good for them, what's not healthy, and give them some rules, right? Um, that's super important for healthy development. And when any of these five core needs aren't met, there's there's this belief around it. There's the we cope as adults, we grow up and cope with it, that loss in different ways. Like maybe we overcompensate um in one way or another, right? Like let's say we're, if you don't grow up with a secure attachment, you become super self-reliant or you become very dependent on people you do feel is safe, right? So we still have those needs, but if they're not met by our caregivers and our family, we have to grip onto them in our own ways. But yeah, maybe you grow up and say, okay, I didn't have a secure attachment to my parents, but I found some really good friends and family now. So I'm good. I'm healed. Yes, that's a really big part of healing. Um, but I'm always surprised to see that that healing fantasy will never go away. That healing fantasy of, God, I wish I had a secure attachment when I was younger. I wish, I wish my mom and dad saw me and loved me and showed me that they loved me. I wish they felt secure in a place that I could go to when I'm really distressed. I really wish they could see me for who I am and what makes me happy instead of just telling me how they want me to perform. I wish that they would make me feel safe and protect me from things that are dangerous and things that put me in danger when I was a kid. So when you don't have one of those core needs met, you might compensate by figuring it out how to meet those needs for yourself, but you might still have that lingering hope that, you know, maybe one day I'll finally get it for my family. Now, I'm sure a lot of you, if you have a healing fantasy, you might be thinking, well, no, I, you know, I've accepted that my parents are just toxic or my family's toxic and uh they'll never, they'll never appreciate me or see me or anything like that. Saying, I've healed from this, I've I've compensated, I've developed around this deficit, this need that wasn't met. Um, and I know that my especially if you've done therapy, you know that your family didn't meet that need, right? You're you're fully you're seeing like, oh gosh, like they're toxic because I thought this was love and really it it was a pressure to perform um in order to feel loved, right? But so you might know that your family is limited in some ways and flawed, but for some reason that hope always lingers. Hope that things will change so that it rights that wrong. It you get you feel more in control or get what you need from these people, or they realize the error of their ways, they realize what they've done and they make and they repair, right? It's very healing for parents who are listening. If you are going no contact or your child is going no contact with them, it is very healing to them to make that healing fantasy come true by seeing them, hearing them expressing care and love, right? So the thing is that you might not know that you still have this healing fantasy. And there's always a part of you that wishes they'd be different, wishes that this holiday, this Christmas, when you fly home, you're going to, you know, you brought you brought your new partner, you have done a lot of therapy, done a lot of meditation, you are a bigger person now. And and this time you could finally bond with your sister or your parents and have a nice, a nice time where they might actually ask something about you and and we'll all be a happy family, right? Even as you're hearing that, you might be like, no way, but but there might be a part of you that still wishes that were the case. And that's okay. That doesn't mean you're unhealed. It just means you're human and that we had these core needs and they were met. So this is my clinical technique for identifying and unveiling that healing fantasy if there is one. So I sometimes feel there's a healing fantasy. If there is just a frustration that won't go away with a family member, right? Like, oh, every time my mom texts, I just, oh, she doesn't listen. Oh, right. It's almost like that kind of teenager, like, I hate my parents, like something that comes up over and over that is just it's triggering, right? When that trigger comes up, that's when I go, hmm, I wonder if there is a healing fantasy. The way I explore that with my patients further is um, okay, if you can have your childhood or these holidays go well, what would that look like? Um, what would you really hope that your mom would say or do in an ideal world? Sometimes I'll say, let's just do a thought experiment where you're picturing everything is perfect with you and your family. Your mom is the mom that you always wanted her to be, or whatever. Your your brother was the brother you want always wanted to be. What would that look like? What would what would she do? What would she say? What would Christmas Day look like? What would a typical text message conversation um, how would that happen? And usually when I ask that of my clients, they they go into, well, I know I they're going to act like this, and they they go into the reality of it, the the the the anticipating the toxic back and forth that they're so familiar with and they're just gearing themselves up for. But I really try to say, no, really, in an ideal world, if you could have anything you wanted, a wave of magic wand and you get the family you've always dreamed of, what would that look like? What would they say? Um and I'm always surprised when you really get into that hard space when you really tap into clients' actual true wishes underneath the surface. Um they would say, they usually say it when in session, they usually say it so quickly. They say it like, oh, I I don't know. Like my mom would say, Hi, how are you? How are you feeling? Uh, you know, are you happy? Right? They they might sometimes they say it as like a oh fine, I guess this would is what a good mom would say. But then when you sit with that, you go, Wow, so you wish that she would see you, that she would um take care of her own needs and be there for you and apologize for the things that have hurt you in the past. Like, oh wow, like that would be so nice. And sometimes I see the sadness. And when you see the grief and sadness, that's when you really know you're hitting on the healing fantasy.

Speaker: 30:10

Because what you need to do is look at what you really wish, right?

Dr. Kibby McMahon: 30:19

How you what is that wish about how things could change for the better? If they got therapy, if they, you know, if had an epiphany or just able to take take your perspective, like what would what does that magic change look like? And the skill that needs to be applied there in order to really face and deal with that healing fantasy is look at it and then grieve it. The way I get there with clients sometimes is like, okay, your mom you wish that she would see you and she's irregular, you know, all the all the things. Um she would apologize. What if she never does that? What if she never changes? What if she always will make you feel unseen? No one likes it when I say that, but in session, but you see, you I I think sometimes I I use the strategy of, okay, you really want this to change, you really want this to get better, this relationship, this person, whatever. But what if it doesn't?

Speaker: 31:38

What if it stays exactly how it is?

Dr. Kibby McMahon: 31:42

You if you think about it that way, it's usually pretty upsetting and usually pretty shocking. Um, it almost is like, no, that's impossible. No, they have to change. They have to get better. They have to see me, they have to be nice to me this time, they have to respect me. Uh and that's when when I hear the shoulds or I hear the have to or the must, that like I it's it signals to me an attachment to that healing fantasy.

Speaker: 32:11

Like, I still really want this to come true. And leaning into the possibility that it might never come true is the way to move through that fantasy.

Dr. Kibby McMahon: 32:29

So, really, the way to heal from a healing fantasy is to accept that it might not come true, that your dysfunctional family might never change, that your emotionally immature parents are never gonna grow up, that your siblings are never gonna get treatment and see how much of a jerk they're being. Right. So at first it sounds really sad and defeating, but that sadness is actually grief. That sadness will help you process and really face the reality of this unmet need. This need that you had as a kid that your family couldn't fulfill. And maybe, yeah, like especially in my family. I mean, I'm still amazed by how much my mother and a lot of family members of mine have gone through therapy and changed, and me too, right? Um, so there's a lot, I really do believe that there's a lot of change possible. Um, however, holding on to that change and resting all of your happiness and peace on it coming true is a rep recipe for a disaster. And I think actually gets in the way of real change, right? If you only can have a relationship with your family member with this, with this condition that they gotta change, they gotta be someone different, they gotta right the wrongs, then you're constantly looking for a fantasy. You're looking for a fantasy to come true, and you're depending your relationship to your family on them not being who they are. I know how painful that is. I know how painful it is to be like, wow, what if what if nothing gets better? But actually, it's really freeing when you accept that. I think for the when you first allow yourself to accept and grieve the healing fantasy, it's really like a sadness and sympathy for yourself. Like looking back at yourself as a child and being like, oh, that poor kid just wanted to be seen, just wanted their parents to see them, and they couldn't. They didn't. There's sadness and anger that comes up from that. There's a it's grieving processes, grief about honestly, that family is a bunch of humans that are naturally flawed, some way more than others. But there's a grieving process with that, and that's a normal part of development of and healing and growing is like I thought my parents were gods and that they could keep me safe from everything, and they didn't, and they couldn't. So allowing for that anger and that grief to come up, that sadness, and it could be a bitter sadness, and it could feel like giving up, like, oh, I'm I'm just gonna give up and just assume that my brother's gonna be a jerk all my life. And like, yeah, yes, that is a process that needs to happen. You have to accept them for who they are and picture what it's like if they never changed. When you do that, when you feel that grief and anger, then once that goes through you, you could think, okay, picturing that I'm accepting these people for who they are, what would I do? What then? Would I make any other different decisions? Would I take care of myself in other ways? Right? I saw a lot of healing when my mom finally accepted parts of her relationship with her mom. And the last couple Christmases that we went, she was just kind of like, yeah, I'm not gonna expect that my mom's going to be the mom I needed her to be. And I did the same thing. I have to I have to say, like, yeah, I'm just I'm just going to accept that my I I wish I had a different relationship with my mother, but um it's not bad now, but I wish I wish things were different in the past, and they're not. And I it's so weird. Even as I just said that, I feel I don't know, like an anger or bitterness come up. And I was, and the thing that just came up right now was, well, then what about all my pain? What about my hurt? Who's gonna apologize for that? Who's gonna make up for that? And that's another part of the grieving process. It's like, I would love for someone to recognize and heal that for me. I would love it if my mom apologized and be like, oh, I see how much I've hurt you, and uh, you know, I'm really, really sorry. And she has, but it, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't feel like it really clicks. And so you're just kind of left with this pain. You're left with this frustration of you hurt me. You hurt me by being flawed, you hurt me by not meeting my needs, and now I'm just supposed to accept that you never will. Yuck. It's really, it's really sad. Um, but that's all part of the grieving process. And I think that if if the healthier approach to that, the unhealthy part is to keep trying to do things to try to make that change happen. And I see people when they're stuck in chasing the healing fantasy, like let's say um, something I'm seeing it a lot is these explosive families, like parents who fight all the time or um families who scream all the time or get really violent or aggressive. Um, they have the healing fantasy of their parents would just stop fighting. But sometimes when you're chasing that healing fantasy, you you you try to do things to make it happen. I've seen some people get into similar romantic situations with a lot of fighting to try to do something different, but it, you know, it hurts them and triggers them just the same as when they were with their parents. Or they try to get mediate their parents' fighting and try to absorb the pain or try to manage it. Um and then they don't realize like, and then they say, like, oh, I'm you know, why is this bothering me so much? And it's like, yeah, because you're trying to right the wrongs of your past. You're trying to change the present to heal the past, and that's not gonna happen. So it's gonna feel useless. It's gonna feel like you're a hamster on a wheel. So there is what I'm saying is healing fantasies are totally valid. It's important to notice when you have them, and it's important to accept that you have them. And it's also important to accept if they're not gonna come true. Sometimes when I when clients are still kind of holding on to, but I want this to be different, I go, how do you know that they're gonna change? How likely do you think it is that they're going to change? How likely is it that these healing fantasies are going to come true? And often they will go, like, yeah, I've never seen them actually act in the way that I'm looking for. So it's a bummer. I have to admit that dealing with healing fantasies as a clinician is a real bummer because I'm like, what is this deep desire that you're holding on to and so desperately trying to make make a come true? And then let's notice it. Let's feel really upset that this happened to you. And then let's just accept that it'll never be fixed. Um it is a big bummer, but there's a lot of freedom in accepting it. There's a lot of freedom in leaning into feeling compassion and extending compassion around yourself for having that healing fantasy. And then also saying, okay, but that's a deep wish of mine, and it might never come true, but it's okay that I have it. I'm gonna allow myself to feel the disappointment of it not coming true. Once you're through that woods, the freedom is now you're seeing the family, your family members with clear eyes. You're no longer seeing them for what you wish they were or what they how they failed you. You are seeing them for like, you know, warts and all. And then you can make decisions that feel right for you, right? Some people, for example, I think a lot of um my mom's healing healing was when she stopped trying to impress her mom to try to get approval or whatever she was looking for, and then said, like, never mind, I'm gonna do what's right for me. I'm gonna feel safer if I don't stay at her house or don't go to everything that she wants me to, right? Or sometimes no contact is really the the way, the decision that you make after accepting um and letting go of the healing fantasy. It's like I'm in contact with them and fighting with them because I want them to be something different. But now that I know that I have to accept them for who they are, I don't want them in my life. I only keep them in my life with the hope that they change and things would get better, but there's not enough evidence that there is. And then that person might never change. I think this is also helpful to do this exercise of accepting. So, really, what we're talking about here is using the DBT scale of radical acceptance towards your healing fantasy, right? That you have it, that it hurts, that it's from a real childhood wound, an unmet need, and accepting that it might never come true. Um, it is trickier in families where there is change, right? That family member goes therapy, things get a little bit better, the conversations are a little bit lighter. And then that's when the healing fantasy really has its grips on you because you go into Christmas and you're like, oh, finally I get the parents I've always wanted, and now we can really connect. Um, I think the hardest time between me and my mom was when she got sober. And then the years after, my healing fantasy was raging. It was like, oh, thank goodness the problem is gone. Now we're healed. Now we could be together. Now I could always get the mom I always wanted, and we had the real close relationship I always wanted. And I could see the same healing fantasy in her. She she wanted to hang out and talk all the time. And and I would say, no, no, I'm busy. And then she gets so upset. So it was so turbulent when you when you have like glimmers of hope that, oh, maybe I can get everything I wanted. Maybe my childhood unmet need is finally, finally coming true, you know, finally being met now. Um and then it just is so much more, it's so much, and there's still so much pain around how slow and nonlinear change actually is. So you might have some change in the relationship, it gets better, your healing fantasies are raging, you're like, oh my God, everything I want is coming true. And then as life goes, as as healing and recovery goes, you take two steps forward and one step back. You have good days, you can have bad days. Some old triggers come up, right? There's just a resurface of old problems, and then the healing fantasy comes crashing down, and that's even more painful. So I would even, even if you're saying, hey, my toxic family and my family dysfunction is getting better. We're getting therapy for it, we're healing, we're growing, we're different now. It's still important to notice that healing fantasy, and still important to know that now your expectations are sky high, and to accept that, okay, this is gonna be step by step, and I'm going to take it as it is day by day, and I'm gonna rebuild trust and really see whether this changes, these changes are sustainable and are lasting. Um I love there's a there's a modern family episode um where what is her name? Sophia Vargara's uh character. Um she I mean they're they're basically they were all talking about wanting wanting their partner to change and being frustrated that their partner is doing this and that. And they're like, if you if someone you love drives you nuts because of some quality that you hate, uh should you just accept it or hope or push for that change? And they said, you know what, people might only change about 15%, but that 15% might be all you need. So you can think about that, that at the core of who people are, maybe they change 15%, or some therapy I've seen huge changes, but you might have to accept people for who they are and the limitations and the pain and everything. Um but then think if they change if this changes about 15%, is that good enough? Is that okay? Is that what I need? The answer might be yes or no. I don't know. So I think the real practice is adjusting your expectations. Um so in a practical sense, what should you do for this holiday? How do you deal with this with all these healing fantasies and letting it go and being really bummed out that nothing will change for the better? The best thing I could tell you is when you go into the holidays, make a make a cope ahead plan. So cope ahead is a skill in uh dialectical behavior therapy. It's very simply thinking about what challenges are gonna come up, what's gonna trigger you, and then identify your goal. Think about okay, if this situation comes up, my mom comments on my weight, my um my brother brags about his awesome job, whatever. And that will bring up emotions, they'll trigger you. Think about, okay, what do I want to get out of that situation? I might have a he, I might have this fantasy of how things are going, then we'll have a nice like Hallmark Christmas and we'll hug and share feelings, whatever. Um, but if that's not gonna happen, if I could have one thing to prioritize, one way that I would love for this to turn out, what would that be? And that could be something like, okay, I know that, you know, my mom might do make a critical comment. Here's what she might say. But my goal is for my son to have a great Christmas and really enjoy spending time with family. That's all I care about. I might be pissed, I might be frustrated, I might be silly, but I but I want my kid to have a good time. Or it could be that, you know, your grandparents or mom, you know, they're getting older and you don't have that much time with them. So you just want it, you just want to keep the peace. Or it could be like, actually, I want to stand up for myself and say no and um and show them that like my feelings matter too, and they need to listen to it, right? Whatever your goal is, you think about how you want to show up. Like you might not be able to control or manage what other people do, but you can say, okay, I went through Christmas being the best self that I could, and that's that was my goal. I was the best mom I could be. I made a nice Christmas holiday and for my kids, and that's it. So really think about your goal. So think about the situation that would trigger problems. Think about your goal, and then think about some skills that might actually help you achieve that goal. So I say think of two or three. So, what I mean by skills is anything that would help you get to that goal. That could be, okay, I want a good Christmas for my kid. I want them to enjoy it and, you know, open up the presents and have a good time. But I know that my mom's gonna say a critical comment and I might fly off the handle and my screen. Then maybe two or three skills could be like, okay, what is gonna avoid that kind of conflict and stay focused on my kids? Well, one, I can I could talk to my husband and make a plan for needing to take them or myself out for a walk or going to the playground if I'm feeling a little triggered. Um, another thing I could do is text my friends all the angry thoughts I I want to say to my mom, but you know, I could just send it to someone else. Or um three, I'll just my I'll just plan an outing with my childhood friends, right? So I'm I'm really coming, coming up with things on the spot, but think of two to three things that you possibly can do to regulate your own emotions, feel better, get some support, right? Make you feel resourced so you can focus on what's important to you and not just falling back on your default reactions or impulsive um emotional reactions in that moment. And then with the Copehead plan, you think of so again, describe the situation that would trigger you, identify your goals, figure out what you want to get out of it, how you want to show up, choose two to three skills that'll help you get there. And then really picture it vividly and practice it. Now, this might seem silly, but write it down in your phone, in your notes app, right now as you're listening to this. Write something down, even if it's like three sentences. Um, share it with someone and practice it if you can. You can talk to your best friend or your partner or you know, someone else and say, Hey, when my, let's say my mom makes a critical comment, I fly off the handle and I just want to do better this time. I just want to get through the holidays without that kind of blow up. Then you can practice with that person and be like, okay, you know, uh you be my mom. Just say, just say something and then really go through and actually do the thing that you are planning in your Copahead plan. It is amazing. I always say this with clients where they go, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll make sure I'll do some deep breathing. I have my meditation app, great. Um, and then holidays come and then they for some reason didn't do any of it. It makes such a difference when you actually do a fire drill, when you actually like look at a text that usually triggers you, and then actually practice deep breathing. And it might seem silly, but that even just doing it once, practicing something once, can make it more likely that you'll just do it spontaneously when that trigger actually comes up. So make a plan and actually drill it. That's that's really the practical tools I that has worked for me, my clients, and it's I mean, I feel like this is such a bummer episode because I'm basically saying, like, you know, what would happen if you just gave up on your family becoming the perfect family? Like all those expectations about holidays and how it should go. Just stop, just stop having them. Notice and grieve when you have them, but also cope ahead when you see the the signs that your dreams are not gonna come true. Oh, such a bummer. I'm so sorry, everyone. So the final the the takeaway I want you to have from this is one is recognize that you have a healing fantasy. If that healing fantasy is still alive and at play, is do you have this deeper wish that your family will be different, will be healed, would be less toxic, would be less dysfunctional. Um, and what are you doing with that wish? Right? The healthier way to heal is to notice it, accept it, and grieve it. The unhealthier way, and the one that's going to keep you stuck, is keep trying to distort your current reality to try to make that deep wish come true. Right. Try to change someone, try to convince them that they're wrong. Um try to force people into therapy, like, or hope that things are different this time and then be horribly disappointed. So when you have that healing fantasy that you'll find your relationship with your family will finally heal, just notice and grieve that you have it. And then focus on how you want to show up. Accepting that that fantasy might not come true. What are you gonna do to show up in the way that you find important? What do you want to get out of these holidays? What's important to you? And really focus on what you are gonna do, right? I agree. Your shitty family, I hope that they change and see the light and stop doing what they're doing, but we can't control other people when you can control yourself. So think about how January 2nd you want to look back on your holidays and go, okay, that was a disaster, but I showed up how I wanted to. And my kids had a great time, and that's all I cared about. That was my goal. So in order for that to happen, you can make a cope ahead plan and really think about how I can bring the skills that I have in my current life, the things that make me the best. Me, I want to be, and how to bring that into the stressful time. And if you're really struggling, you could always check out Cool A Mind. It's my program for where I do basically a skills group for people like you who are dealing with difficult family members. Um, I do this live skills group where I teach a lot of these skills and walk you through it. And there's a wonderful community of wonderful people who are doing their best to stay strong and healthy for themselves, but also have the best relationship they can with some really difficult family members. So if that feels like you, check out coolamind, k-u-l-a-m-in-d dot com. Um, I'll also link the um uh the website in the show notes. So I just want to hear how you're doing. Even if you are not interested in coolamine or um are just listening to this and go, oh, I'm really dreading my holidays, send me a note. I'd love to talk to you and hear about what you're doing to um make this holiday season manageable. You could always kib, you could always email me at kibby at coolamine.com. Um and I'm wishing you a wonderful holiday season. Be back next week. But I thought that this would give you the tools to make your cope ahead plan in time for your travels. And if you feel like someone else could really benefit from hearing this, send this episode to someone that you care about, share it with a friend, spread the word. And as always, if you leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, that would really help me out. And I'm wishing you a great holiday season. Don't get too drunk at your work office event. My husband's actually at an office event, so hoping it goes well. Um, and I'll see you next week. By accessing this podcast, you acknowledge that the host of this podcast makes no warranty, guarantee, or representation as to the accuracy or sufficiency of information featured in this podcast. The information, opinions, and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information purposes only, and any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. This podcast and any and all content or services available on or through this podcast are provided for general, non-commercial informational purposes only, and do not constitute the practice of any medical or any professional judgment, advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should not be considered or used as a substitute for the independent professional judgment, advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a duly licensed and qualified healthcare provider. 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Speaker: 58:38

Thank you.